A Little More Knowledge and a Few More Steps

So I guess I need "the team."  I have been a ball of nerves all week. I have worried. I have cried. I have stressed. I have wondered. By Wednesday, I knew I needed answers. I needed to know what they had seen that made them bat around the "C" word like a cheap WalMart tennis ball.  Clearly, they were all pretty comfortable with it, but it really was not their problem.   They were talking like I had a little winter cold, but it was the "C" word they were using.

I needed answers.  I needed to see my doctor and have him show me what we were looking at. I needed to understand it.  Okay, maybe not to "understand" it, but to have some knowledge. Something I could see- something with which I could identify when I saw furrowed brows and concerned looks. Something I could identify as they whooshed me out the door to the next person to "pass word."

Finally my doctor opened us his schedule to see me. I was supposed to be getting a copy of the images for when I saw "the surgeon."   Why a surgeon?  Well that's the protocol here I suppose.  The surgeon looks at the images, decides by what method to biopsy, and then schedules the biopsy.  Then the surgeon gives you the biopsy results and the process moves on from there.  Anyhow, back to the visit to my primary care doctor.

I arrived at 2:25 for my 2:45 appointment. Just on time. I was brought back right at 2:45 which is not unusual, and I figure I had at least an hour and 15 minutes to get upstairs. He is usually pretty quick. He takes time with his patients but he usually doesn't waste any time.  I was waiting to see him. It was now 2:55, then 3:15, then 3:30, 3:40. I was growing frantic since the next week was Thanskgiving and then my appointment was the Tuesday following Thanksgiving. Due to my schedule and the schedule of the mammo technologist, there would be no other opportunity.   I explained to his nurse and corpsman that I needed to get my images from upstairs.  The corpsman said "but we have the image. Dr. M has already seen it. You don't need to see it."  I explained that I needed the disk so I could take it to my referral appointment with the surgeon.  I told them I knew the mammo tech left at 4:00 and it was quite urgent that I get the disk.  I was told if I left, it would be noted that I left without seeing the doctor and would have to reschedule. I called up to the radiology department and spoke to the technician and asked if she could bring the disk down to me. I told her i was waiting and she said she thought I forgotten. I told her the corpsman had informed me that they had already called radiology to advise that the doctor was running behind. No, that was not the case is what she told me. I was quite frustrated.  She agreed to wait for me until I finished my appointment.

My doctor came in, told me I definitely had cancer but the good news was that it appeared localized and had not spread. He said he was not sure if they would do a lumpectomy or complete mastectomy. He seemed rather surprised that the surgeon had not seen me in two weeks already.  He said he would work to rush the appointment and that if the Naval Hospital had a surgeon, they would have already biopsied and taken things out. I nodded and agreed. He showed me the scans. He showed me what he saw and why the concern. He kept saying"It's cancer but it's all in one place."  I was running late now and keeping the radiology folks from leaving,  so my nerves were shot.  I finally started crying and told him I needed either to talk to someone or for him to give me something to help me peel myself off the damn wall.   He said "but you seemed okay in the other room when we were talking. Do you really need medicine?" I told him "You're the doctor. You tell me."  He ended up prescribing something in case things got extreme with my anxiety.  He has also referred me to a counselor. The referral says "I anticipate she will need to be on anti-depressants after her diagnosis."

Am I scared? Yes. Is this whole thing scary? Yes.  Do I feel alone? Yes.  Do I want to just let it out? Yes. Can I? NO.  Not until I have some more definitive answers.