All I Asked For, Nothing I Wanted
This will probably be the hardest post I ever write. The grittiest and the nastiest and the most grappling one. It is about confronting a fear in my heart and the damage that I have done now. I feel like I am on a collision course for which there are no brakes and I see my life flashing before my eyes.
Going through some stuff last year, I just felt so despondent, depressed, dejected. I really just didn't see any benefit in living and I promised myself I could die if I could just get through my 50th birthday and my 25th anniversary. I just wanted to try to get through those milestones so I could leave my loved ones with the milestones. I don't even remember WHY I hated my life so much. I don't even know WHY I wanted to die. Yet I have never been "courageous" enough to develop a plan to end my life. I have always been too "Chicken shit" to do it, and now it is before me.
I have been given a cancer diagnosis. Cancer. Fucking A. This is not how I thought it would go down. I guess I was content being "depressed" and knowing I would cycle out of it and cope with life for awhile, but now I really MIGHT die. I got the diagnosis just before my 50th birthday. I don't know. Maybe I can make it past my 25th anniversary. I hope I can. All I know is if I make it, I will never wish to die again.
Going through some stuff last year, I just felt so despondent, depressed, dejected. I really just didn't see any benefit in living and I promised myself I could die if I could just get through my 50th birthday and my 25th anniversary. I just wanted to try to get through those milestones so I could leave my loved ones with the milestones. I don't even remember WHY I hated my life so much. I don't even know WHY I wanted to die. Yet I have never been "courageous" enough to develop a plan to end my life. I have always been too "Chicken shit" to do it, and now it is before me.
I have been given a cancer diagnosis. Cancer. Fucking A. This is not how I thought it would go down. I guess I was content being "depressed" and knowing I would cycle out of it and cope with life for awhile, but now I really MIGHT die. I got the diagnosis just before my 50th birthday. I don't know. Maybe I can make it past my 25th anniversary. I hope I can. All I know is if I make it, I will never wish to die again.
I struggle with not being able to control things, but I asked God to take me where I needed to go even if He stripped everything away in order to make His presence known in my life. I didn't know He would take me this far. Like I thought maybe a job loss, some other difficult situation, but to allow me to come face to face with my own willingness to write off my life? I know I asked, but I really just didn't know this is where this was going.
I have never been scared to die until now, because I truly understand how sinful and terrible it is to wish to die. My faith tells me that my desire to die will result in hell on earth until I die and Hell in the afterlife. Why am I resigning myself to the fact that I wished for it and now it could actually happen?
I don't even know what was so bad. I really have no idea.
I know I needed the God I had always been taught by my faith. That was my only hope. That was my only strength. I know I am holding back. God knows I am writing the words but I don't really believe them yet.
How did He grab hold of my heart after the situation in 2009? How did He bring me back from the brink? Why can't I surrender like that now? Rather why won't I surrender like that now? My wise co-worker told me that "Some things are not meant for you. If you will not move yourself, God may move you." Then a few short days later, I was fired. Really? I was 39 years old and FIRED for the first time in my life. I was humiliated. I was depressed. I was in despair. Yet, God whispered in my heart and promised me that he would deliver me from that despair and he did. I was the happiest I had been in a long time, just being faithful and following whatever steps He had for me- whether they were what I would have chosen or not. I just followed for once.
Now, I want to cry. I want to just break the hell down and just let it all pour out. But I feel the need to keep it inside because I am so ashamed of all that I am. I am ashamed of my lack of faith. I am ashamed of my desire to die. I am ashamed of myself.
So now, here I am. I wanted to die. I begged for it and pleaded for it. I swore I would and could die if I could just get through my 25th anniversary and now it is going to happen. Why didn't I believe it could? Why was my faith so lacking? I feel like I deserve this. I asked for it and was too chicken shit to make it happen.
I pleaded with God all I had to turn this around. I begged Him to help me live. Maybe life won't look exactly like I ever planned it before but I don't want to die. I want to live. I want to see the beautiful miracles that you will do in the lives of our friends who so long to have a baby. I want to be around to love on that baby- however it gets here. Whether they are able to conceive, or they adopt. I want a long life with my husband, I want to outlive my parents I want to see my nieces grow up and marry and have their own children. I want to love my sweet little kitty every single day.
I surrendered it to you God. I did. I was sorry for not leaning on you. I was so sorry for not trusting in you that you have this under control and could make something beautiful happen. Maybe your plans are not evident to me right now, but I am truly placing this in your hands now. You will take me where I am meant to go. If I do die, then at least I will go with a peaceful heart and not an angry and upset one.
I don't desire to take my life. I have never wanted to live quite so much as I do right now.
I have never been scared to die until now, because I truly understand how sinful and terrible it is to wish to die. My faith tells me that my desire to die will result in hell on earth until I die and Hell in the afterlife. Why am I resigning myself to the fact that I wished for it and now it could actually happen?
I don't even know what was so bad. I really have no idea.
I know I needed the God I had always been taught by my faith. That was my only hope. That was my only strength. I know I am holding back. God knows I am writing the words but I don't really believe them yet.
How did He grab hold of my heart after the situation in 2009? How did He bring me back from the brink? Why can't I surrender like that now? Rather why won't I surrender like that now? My wise co-worker told me that "Some things are not meant for you. If you will not move yourself, God may move you." Then a few short days later, I was fired. Really? I was 39 years old and FIRED for the first time in my life. I was humiliated. I was depressed. I was in despair. Yet, God whispered in my heart and promised me that he would deliver me from that despair and he did. I was the happiest I had been in a long time, just being faithful and following whatever steps He had for me- whether they were what I would have chosen or not. I just followed for once.
Now, I want to cry. I want to just break the hell down and just let it all pour out. But I feel the need to keep it inside because I am so ashamed of all that I am. I am ashamed of my lack of faith. I am ashamed of my desire to die. I am ashamed of myself.
So now, here I am. I wanted to die. I begged for it and pleaded for it. I swore I would and could die if I could just get through my 25th anniversary and now it is going to happen. Why didn't I believe it could? Why was my faith so lacking? I feel like I deserve this. I asked for it and was too chicken shit to make it happen.
I pleaded with God all I had to turn this around. I begged Him to help me live. Maybe life won't look exactly like I ever planned it before but I don't want to die. I want to live. I want to see the beautiful miracles that you will do in the lives of our friends who so long to have a baby. I want to be around to love on that baby- however it gets here. Whether they are able to conceive, or they adopt. I want a long life with my husband, I want to outlive my parents I want to see my nieces grow up and marry and have their own children. I want to love my sweet little kitty every single day.
I surrendered it to you God. I did. I was sorry for not leaning on you. I was so sorry for not trusting in you that you have this under control and could make something beautiful happen. Maybe your plans are not evident to me right now, but I am truly placing this in your hands now. You will take me where I am meant to go. If I do die, then at least I will go with a peaceful heart and not an angry and upset one.
I don't desire to take my life. I have never wanted to live quite so much as I do right now.
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