February 26th

 I wrote in a previous post about how February had not been a great month for me for awhile.  Then I realized, February 26 is a really strange day for me.  

It is the anniversary of my mastectomy- February 26, 2020. 

It is the anniversary of my next door neighbor's heart attack- February 26, 2022. She is a mother of three beautiful girls and a grandmother of 2 girls and 2 boys.  Amazing little people she has grown.  We all thought we would lose her. The prognosis was not initally great, but she fought her way back and she is doing great.  Her name is Jessica. 

Now, just over two months ago, we lost another neighbor on February 26, 2024. His name was Jason.  He was a "life of the party" kind of guy.  He was a welcoming neighbor. He was a good friend to all, or at the very least one of the acquaintances that made everyone smile when he was around.  He just got people in a good mood. 

Just days before his memorial service, several neighbors were sitting around and we were talking about how hard Jessica had taken the loss- seeing it was the anniversary of her heart attack.   It occurred to me that the date of his death and her heart attack was also the date of the anniversary of my mastectomy.  I said "You know. I just realized that my mastectomy was on February 26th too."  I looked at one of our other acquaintances and our jaws dropped at the same time.  Three neighbors, all two years apart and all with the same first initial "J." I had just had this weird realization that it was the same date and we all had the same first initial. It was a comment on an observation.  Everyone else was talking about the anniversary and it really had not clicked in at all until that very moment.  I am a "patterns" person. 

I had no idea what would come next.  The entire conversation shifted. The mood changed.  In the grief cycle, many of our friends and neighbors seemed to be more or less at a point of acceptance. Many were commenting on his "homegoing" gathering and who would and would not be able to make it.  My husband was planning to go, but I was going to have to miss it due to a trial that going on that week.  The trial had been scheduled for a long time and I absolutely could not miss it. Suddenly, things cycled through to anger again. 

One of our neighbors said "Well, no-one would come to your funeral because out of the three of you, you are the one that no-one would miss. No-one cares." 

I can assure you I know that's true, but it really hurt to hear it said out loud. It hurt to have it put into the world for everyone to be able to pile on, and that they did.  I heard all of the comments- about how my cancer wasn't "real" because I didn't have to go through chemo and/or radiation.   I heard the comments that maybe I was making it all up. If it wouldn't have brought attention, I would have gladly shown them the scar- the place where I lost a breast to my "not real cancer."  They laughed at how funny it would be for them to all show up in my garage to drink and "cope" only this time it would be a real party- to celebrate my death. 

I just hugged the widow and the daughter and said "You all have my condolences. I am so sorry I won't be able to be there to say goodbye." 

I haven't seen or spoken to any of them since that day and I can't see a scenario in which that will happen again.  Maybe putting this on paper and releasing it to the universe, it will penetrate someone's soul. 

I wish I had been the "J" neighbor that died.  I wish that was the way the world worked- that the death of someone insignificant and not well loved would take the place of someone cherished.   I wish that my absence, which wouldn't be felt, could take the place of the absence as kind and funny as Jason.  The fact is that my mark on the world is so small, there is nothing my life or death could change. 

2020 was the year of cancer. It was the year of COVID. It was the year that should have taken me. Yet it did not take me.  I don't know why I was spared. I have no idea, and to be honest I am not all that thankful. It really hurts.  I am ashamed to be alive while someone like Jason is gone. I guess I am here to take on the anger and the shame and whatever else there is.  You have put in the universe how you feel, and unfortunately it's not a "take back" situation, not that any of them would.