The Lavender Towel

In late 2013 someone told me about a "Daily Deal" for 30 days of yoga.  Oh how I wanted to try it.  Oh how I wanted to be one of those super peaceful people and to look awesome in "yoga pants."   Yet I was also scared. I was scared I would have to ball myself up into some mystical pose and then not be able to untwist myself. I was scared I would look like a big ball and roll out of the studio in embarrassment and never go back.  Well, the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.  And I had to take that first step.  I was told it might be helpful for "monkey brain", for emotional health, for physical health.  Oh, the benefits were to be many.

So I went to a "Yoga 101" class. Like many others, I was instantly hooked.  I couldn't wait to go back for my next class, and the one after that and the one after that.  I wasn't even finished with 101 when July 4th rolled around. Oh, I had a whole day to enjoy myself and there was a yoga class at 9:00 a.m.  A gentle, unheated yoga class.  It may have been unheated,  but it was still quite the workout.  It was probably only the third time I had gotten on my mat.

I was struggling with this one little issue. Emotion. Crazy emotion.  I wondered if everyone cried at the end of class.  I discovered that not everyone cried,  but it was perfectly normal to release those emotions.  Often we do not know how much emotion and anxiety is stored up in our bodies until we experience the release. I was releasing my tension and my stored up anger and bitterness.  I was crying and covering my face during every Savasana.  Not little cute tears, but sobs that made my body want to convulse.  I refused to really let it happen.  I just couldn't really cry and let it out.  I would leave the studio after class and just let the tears flow on the entire thirty minute ride home. Sometimes I would have to pull over and just finish my cry.  Finally, the crying stopped. I was so relieved. That crying was NOT bad. It was release. It was letting go. It was kicking all of the madness, sadness and garbage out of my body and my mind.  I began to embrace the tears. I still wasn't wild about the sobs and convulsive action, but when I saw the puddle of sweat and the wet tears that had flowed onto my mat I could SEE the negativity that had been released from my body. Tangible evidence I had evicted negativity that had been living in my body rent free. 

My body loved the feel of the work out. My body loved the release.  Soon I was practicing almost daily.  I found a great power class in Bluffton, taught by another amazing  yogi.  This one, a GUY. Yep, a man's man.  I have to admit, I was a little intimidated.   I was a little scared, thinking he might be a little too intense.  It was only a 60 minute class and I figured I could handle anything for sixty minutes. He was full on energy, but it brought out a new found excitement and courage in me. I couldn't wait to go to that class on Tuesday night. His class was fun.  Then, they announced that it would be a 75 minute class- and I lost my courage again thinking it would be too much.   I had to regain it.

I decided to try a Wednesday night class in Beaufort.  It was a 75 minute class. The instructor had taught one of the 101 classes, and she seemed pretty sweet. I put my mat down and prepared to battle my demons. She was a great teacher but when she taught her own class- she was a fireball and she kicked my butt.  I was scared.  I felt helpless and hopeless, but I had two amazing women to either side of me.  I laid out with my arms touching both of them and I felt that amazing connection with their worlds and their lives.  I knew I hadn't done that class gracefully, but I knew it was okay.  It was 15 minutes more yoga than I had ever done before and I survived. THEN I was encouraged by this new found mentor of mine. I was told to read Byron Baptiste's book "40 Days to Personal Revolution" and meditate on his laws for transformation.  The one that really spoke to me was "Be Willing to Come Apart."   Oh I came apart. Over and over and over again, I came apart but I was willing to grow from that coming apart. It was so amazing to see the possibilities as my shell began to "come apart."

I needed to go back to hour long classes for a bit though.  I needed to believe in myself.  So I took as many hour classes as I could.  Then, one night I took an hour long 101 class and decided to stay for another class following that- just an hour.   I had done two one-hour classes.  Someone pointed out to me that I had broken through that barrier and done two hours of yoga. No, I had only done TWO  ONE hour classes.  My brain refused to allow me to admit I had done two hours of yoga.  But I had, and I knew I had.  It was amazing.   Now I cried because I believed in myself. I cried because I was finally being introduced to this amazing person who had lived inside of me. I had never know this person.  EVER!!

A short few days later, I ran into someone at the grocery store.  It was someone I didn't want to see.  I was sort of stuck.  If I did not acknowledge them and say hello, I looked like a coward for trying to avoid them.  If I said hello, I knew things would not go well.  The spouse was there too, looking terribly uncomfortable.  I told this person that life was going well for me. I told about my yoga journey.  Part of my struggle with this person was that lack of respect for me because of my lack of confidence. I thought this "new me" would be a refreshing change.  And then it came out.... "Really?  I thought that was supposed to make you skinny."  Really?   I just walked away.  I was sad. But I realized that the only one who needed to worry about my happiness is me.

A short time later, the studio had a workshop with some awesome people from Africa Yoga Project- Headstands, Hugs and Highways.  It was a BIG deal.  I didn't think I was worthy to go. I wasn't a regular. I wasn't accomplished.  But something pulled on my heart and told me to go.  So I went.  And Walter and Catherine called out the greatness in me. I can still hear Walter over and over saying "If not now, when?  Now, now, if not now, when?" I had struggled with a pose and I cursed everything in me when that pose came along.  Walter stood before me and said "Bend your knees. You can do this. Just a moment longer."  Why hadn't I ever thought to bend my knees?  Such a simple modification! Why hadn't I believed I could do it? I did it. I held it that one breath longer than before and finally I was released from the pose and from the fear that held me back.   A few days later, someone in my office said there were some great pictures in the paper and "I" was some of them.  Oh NO. My greatest fear. Someone capturing my YUCK in a picture.  No they were not glamour shots, but they were pictures with me in them.  They were pictures that showed I had showed up. I had stood on my mat and not run away.  I had been a part of something. 

A few short weeks later, I was in a class with a substitute instructor.  She was known for bringing these amazing lavender towels.  Well, I wanted the experience.We did a pose and I fell backward. I busted my ass.  I was heels over head.  I was embarrassed.  I curled up my mat and I went home.  I quit that night. I just folded it up and walked away.   Then I cried.  Really? I was going to quit? Just fold up my mat and not face my fears? Who the hell was I?  Was I the girl that cried and walked away? WAS I still the girl who let others walk on me?   NO!! 

I called a friend and discussed my epic fail.  What, my epic fall?  No, the fall was NOT the fail. The getting up and walking out was the fail.  And I was NOT going to do that again.  No, I am not that person. Sure it may happen again sometime, but it's not a normal reaction for me now.  It's not my go-to reaction.   I did not want to cry, but my friend asked me why I would not let myself feel and I wouldn't allow myself to have my emotions.

Shortly after that, the studio split and the Beaufort studio became my home studio. I needed the new owner's sweet spirit to guide my practice.  She had a grand opening and I attended that as well.  Again, large gathering. Facing fears.  Artizen calmed me.   My teachers calmed me.  My teachers reminded me that I WAS worth it.  They reminded me that I was so much more than I chose to acknowledge. 

So this was supposed to be about the bitterness I struggled with, but I have used this post as therapy. 

I still cannot answer that question about not allowing my emotions, except to say that there is still this part of me that believes I am NOT worth it. There is this  voice in my head that tells me that my emotions, my feelings, my well being is worthless.  I am working to purge that voice. I am working to evict that voice from my head. I WILL leave that voice in a puddle of sweat under my mat one day, and I WILL wipe it away with a lavender towel.